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The Caretaker

By Writefag_Roulette
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-01-20 19:13:11
Expiry: Never
anon fillyanonfilly thread/mlpol/princess flurry heartteenage flurry

  1. 1.
    Dedicated to the /mlpol/ frens who welcomed /pone/ refugees during the 8chan Shoah, and their weird Anon Filly meme.
  2. 2.
     
  3. 3.
    https://mlpol.net/mlpol/res/236417.html#237434
  4. 4.
    https://web.archive.org/web/20190815193305/https://mlpol.net/mlpol/res/236417.html
  5. 5.
     
  6. 6.
    Disclaimer: Apparently somebody copied this story and put it into the jewgle doc for some general on /mlp/. Just to clear things up on that front, I had nothing to do with that, don't post in that general, and haven't posted on /mlp/ since 2014.
  7. 7.
     
  8. 8.
    >you are known throughout Equestria as Anonymous the Man
  9. 9.
    >in the years since you've arrived in this strange world, you've been:
  10. 10.
    >a scholar
  11. 11.
    >a hero
  12. 12.
    >a cowboy
  13. 13.
    >a scientist
  14. 14.
    >a gunslinger
  15. 15.
    >an archaeologist
  16. 16.
    >a pirate
  17. 17.
    >a craftsman
  18. 18.
    >and much, much more
  19. 19.
    >okay, all of those points are somewhat exaggerated
  20. 20.
    >the point is, you've lived a little
  21. 21.
    >the point is, you're a grown ass man
  22. 22.
    >the point is
  23. 23.
    "Twilight, I do not need a babysitter."
  24. 24.
    >by a stupendous fuckup of magic, you've been transformed into a small filly
  25. 25.
    >oddly enough, this isn't the first time something like this has happened in your journeys
  26. 26.
    >but this time, it's Twilight's fault
  27. 27.
    ^"Anon, we're already on the train for the Crystal Empire, and I really need to get started on this adventure. Just… try not to think of Flurry Heart as a babysitter. Think of her as… a caretaker. For your time of need."
  28. 28.
    "I can take care of myself."
  29. 29.
    ^"And how are you planning on eating? I think you've fairly well proven that you can't cook with those hooves."
  30. 30.
    "There's takeout."
  31. 31.
    ^"On whose bits?"
  32. 32.
    >you snort
  33. 33.
    >princess of a whole damn town
  34. 34.
    >somehow can't spare the bits for a weekend's meals
  35. 35.
    >for the guy she turned into a helpless filly
  36. 36.
    ^"Everything's gonna be just fine, Anon. You'll see. Just one weekend with Flurry Heart, then in a year the potion to turn you back will be ready, and then-"
  37. 37.
    "A year?! A whole damn fuckcuntering shitniggering fagtastic year?! When were you planning on telling me this?"
  38. 38.
    ^"Anon, changing someone's species, sex, or age, even temporarily, it's pretty complex magic. To do all three at the same time, and have the effects be permanent? It takes a little time."
  39. 39.
    >Twilight eyes you wearily
  40. 40.
    ^"And because you didn't want to go quite back to your natural age, it's even more complicated."
  41. 41.
    >you throw up your hands
  42. 42.
    >hooves
  43. 43.
    >fuck
  44. 44.
    "I mean, shit, if we just so happen to be changing my age anyway, I wouldn't mind being 20 again. What's so wrong with that?"
  45. 45.
    >Twilight rolls her eyes
  46. 46.
    "Oh, what do you know? You're gonna stay 17 forever."
  47. 47.
    >your purple riding companion's face does that scrunchy thing that ponies sometimes do
  48. 48.
    ^"I was 19 when I ascended.
  49. 49.
    >awkward silence reigns over the desolate train car
  50. 50.
    >the other passengers moved to other cars some time ago
  51. 51.
    >Twilight sniffs
  52. 52.
    ^"You know, the spell I messed up was designed to find you and bring you to me. I knew I had this adventure coming up and I wanted to see you first."
  53. 53.
    >your eyelid twitches involuntarily
  54. 54.
    "And…?"
  55. 55.
    ^"And…"
  56. 56.
    >Twilight sticks her nose in the air
  57. 57.
    ^"None of this would have happened if you hadn't been avoiding me."
  58. 58.
    >you flop out of your seat
  59. 59.
    >and rise to your hooves before your tormentor
  60. 60.
    "Oh, so now it's my fault! Well, let me tell you where you fucked up, you purple fucking horse, was when you put me in the body of a pre-adolescent filly! I've got twice as much estrogen as you do right now, and I can play your female mind games just the same- WHOAH!"
  61. 61.
    >a cloud of purple magic hoists you into the air by your tail
  62. 62.
    >something hard and hoof-like smacks into your soft filly tush
  63. 63.
    "FUCK"
  64. 64.
    >slap
  65. 65.
    "SHIT"
  66. 66.
    >slap
  67. 67.
    "STOP"
  68. 68.
     
  69. 69.
    >Princess Cadance is craning her neck down at you
  70. 70.
    >there's something of genuine confusion on her face
  71. 71.
    /"My, Anon, you've, um, shrunk a bit since I last saw you."
  72. 72.
    >Shining Armor snorts
  73. 73.
    ~"Smells nicer, too."
  74. 74.
    >Cadance ignores the comment
  75. 75.
    /"Well it certainly has been a while, hasn't it? I don't think we've seen each other since… was it Flurry Heart's crystalling?"
  76. 76.
    "No. You didn't invite me to that."
  77. 77.
    >Cadance cringes
  78. 78.
    /"Is that right? How odd. I could have sworn we invited all of Twilight's friends."
  79. 79.
    ~"We did."
  80. 80.
    >the princess of the north chuckles awkwardly and tugs at the golden yoke around her neck
  81. 81.
    /"Well. It's really too bad that Twilight couldn't stick around to chat longer. But… Shining and I have to get going now, too. Our train to Los Pegasus is taking off in an hour."
  82. 82.
    >you blink
  83. 83.
    "Your sister-parenthesis-in-law-parenthesis is saving the world from yet another eldritch horror and you guys are going on vacation?"
  84. 84.
    >Twilight's brother waves his hoof
  85. 85.
    ~"It's fine. Nothing she hasn't done a million times before."
  86. 86.
    >you have to admit, he's probably right
  87. 87.
    >even Twilight herself seemed awful casual about it
  88. 88.
    >for Twilight standards, anyway
  89. 89.
    >Cadance coughs
  90. 90.
    /"Anyway, we'll be going now. Flurry Heart should be in her room upstairs. You can't miss it, it's the same room you stayed in that one time."
  91. 91.
    >the pair of them head out to not save Equestria
  92. 92.
    /"Take good care of our Flurry now."
  93. 93.
     
  94. 94.
    >Flurry Heart is in the same room you stayed in that one time
  95. 95.
    >that one time like 17 fucking years ago
  96. 96.
    >as though you'd fucking remember where to go
  97. 97.
    >you'd leave well enough alone and just make some dinner
  98. 98.
    >but it seems rude to not let your host know you're here first
  99. 99.
    >also, you need her to cook it for you
  100. 100.
    >what?
  101. 101.
    >how can you be expected to get anything done right without fingers?
  102. 102.
    >anyway, weren't there servants and guards and stuff in this castle the last time you were here?
  103. 103.
    >where the hell did they all go?
  104. 104.
    >wait a second
  105. 105.
    >that door right there looks like it could be the entrance to a teenage girl's room
  106. 106.
    >posters of boybands taped up on it
  107. 107.
    >fluffy hearts glued around those
  108. 108.
    >oh, and one of those fluffy hearts is embroidered with the name "Flurry Heart"
  109. 109.
    >you rap three sharp knocks on it
  110. 110.
    <"Mom?"
  111. 111.
    "Nope, just the strange man you're all alone in the house with."
  112. 112.
    >the door opens
  113. 113.
    >a light pink princess pony pokes her head out
  114. 114.
    >she looks a little bit shorter than Twilight
  115. 115.
    >but, in your present state, that's still tall enough to fucking tower over you
  116. 116.
    <"Oh. You're that kid I'm supposed to be babysitting."
  117. 117.
    "Kid? The last time I was in this town you were a sperm cell in your daddy's ballsack-"
  118. 118.
    <"Ew! That's fucking disgusting!"
  119. 119.
    "Listen, how about making us some dinner? I'm starving down here."
  120. 120.
    >Flurry scoffs
  121. 121.
    <"It's, like, 6 at night. Don't you have a bed time or something?"
  122. 122.
    "You mean 6 in the afternoon?"
  123. 123.
    <"No. I mean 6 at night."
  124. 124.
    >Flurry Heart becomes the second alicorn princess today to turn her nose up at you
  125. 125.
    <"It's, like, bedtime for little fillies."
  126. 126.
    >the princess's horn glows
  127. 127.
    >you instinctively clench your butt cheeks
  128. 128.
    >POOF
  129. 129.
    >when you open your eyes, you're locked in what seems to be a guest bedroom in the castle
  130. 130.
    "BITCH"
  131. 131.
     
  132. 132.
    >sunlight filters dimly in through the thick crystal walls
  133. 133.
    >you roll over
  134. 134.
    >your limbs stretch out into your sight
  135. 135.
    >your limbs?
  136. 136.
    >hooves?
  137. 137.
    >thick crystal walls?
  138. 138.
    >is this the work of some kind of mad scientist?
  139. 139.
    >again?
  140. 140.
    >wait
  141. 141.
    >no
  142. 142.
    >that was just Twilight
  143. 143.
    "Fucking damnit."
  144. 144.
    >and you're still under the power of Flurry fucking Heart
  145. 145.
    >you hop down to the floor
  146. 146.
    >you've gotta piss
  147. 147.
    >after a determined march to the door, you begin pounding on it as hard as you can
  148. 148.
    >which isn't very hard, under the circumstances
  149. 149.
    >so you throw in a little screeching
  150. 150.
    "McFlurry! Let me out of here!"
  151. 151.
    >silence is your answer
  152. 152.
    "I'm gonna piss on the fucking floor if I don't get out of here!"
  153. 153.
    >you're rearing up now, pounding with both forehooves
  154. 154.
    "Flurry fucking Heart! I'm gonna-"
  155. 155.
    >the door flies open
  156. 156.
    >you go sprawling across the floor
  157. 157.
    >an angry teenage alicorn sticks her head in the room
  158. 158.
    <"It is 10 in the morning what do you want?!"
  159. 159.
    "10 in the-"
  160. 160.
    >you shake your head
  161. 161.
    "Bitch, I gotta piss."
  162. 162.
    >you squirm your way through Flurry Heart's legs into the passageway
  163. 163.
    >you begin storming off toward the bathroom
  164. 164.
    >wait a second
  165. 165.
    "Hey, where's the bathroom?"
  166. 166.
     
  167. 167.
    >now that that's done
  168. 168.
    >you seem to be free to roam about the castle
  169. 169.
    >you're still hungry, so you decide to look for the kitchen
  170. 170.
    >given how utterly unhelpful Flurry Heart has been, you're willing to give cooking with hooves another go
  171. 171.
    >you mean, what's the worst that could happen?
  172. 172.
    >a grease fire?
  173. 173.
    >it's not like crystal burns down
  174. 174.
    >making your way through long passages and winding stairs proves to be no easy task on stubby filly legs
  175. 175.
    >somewhere on the ground floor, you notice a double set of swinging doors
  176. 176.
    >the small windows set in them show that the room beyond is gleaming white
  177. 177.
    >with your oversized filly head, you nudge open the doors and tumble inside
  178. 178.
    >oh yeah, it's a kitchen
  179. 179.
    >appliances, counters, utensils
  180. 180.
    >it's even got big white hats hanging up on hooks
  181. 181.
    >there's a big walk-in fridge, but you have to use a stool to reach the handle
  182. 182.
    >inside the fridge, you look for something that seems easy to cook
  183. 183.
    >something you're not likely to fuck up, even with these big goofy hooves
  184. 184.
    >how about those eggs?
  185. 185.
    >reaching into a low shelf with both hooves, you carefully pull out a carton of eggs
  186. 186.
    >but as soon as the carton comes free of the shelf
  187. 187.
    "Shit!"
  188. 188.
    >and the eggs are on the floor, leaking yellow egg-fluids all over the place
  189. 189.
    <"Hey!"
  190. 190.
    >oh, shit, busted
  191. 191.
    >the princess of teenaged angst is glaring at you from the entrance of the fridge
  192. 192.
     
  193. 193.
    <"You're making a giant mess!"
  194. 194.
    "You wanna make my damn breakfast for me? Shut the fuck up."
  195. 195.
    >Flurry Heart scoffs
  196. 196.
    <"I'm not cooking for you. The palace has cooks for that."
  197. 197.
    >the princess scans the room uncertainly
  198. 198.
    <"I just need to find them…"
  199. 199.
    >then her eyes lock onto something out of sight
  200. 200.
    >she trots over to it
  201. 201.
    >you get out of the fridge and follow her
  202. 202.
    >she's looking at something on a counter, but it's too high for you to see
  203. 203.
    >then she magically levitates the object in front of her face
  204. 204.
    >it's a note
  205. 205.
    <"Dear Flurry. I gave the servants the weekend off. There's plenty of stuff in the fridge for you and…"
  206. 206.
    >she squints
  207. 207.
    <"How do you say that? Ah-non-er… Uh-nan-ny…?"
  208. 208.
    "Just call me Anon."
  209. 209.
    <"There's plenty of stuff in the fridge for you and Anon to make food with. Love, Dad."
  210. 210.
    "Well that explains that then. I thought it seemed awful empty here."
  211. 211.
    >your companion offers no reply
  212. 212.
    <"Uh, princess? Are you all right? McFlurry? Are you breathing?"
  213. 213.
     
  214. 214.
    <"What are we gonna do? How are we gonna eat? I'm gonna starve to death!"
  215. 215.
    >the princess of moodiness suddenly seems a lot less moody
  216. 216.
    >and a lot more panicked
  217. 217.
    "Geez, calm down. First of all, nobody ever starved to death in two days. Second of all, you can just cook for yourself."
  218. 218.
    <"Me? Cook? I don't know how to cook!"
  219. 219.
    "It's not that hard. Just open up the fridge, I'll-"
  220. 220.
    <"You can cook? Oh, thank the Heart. Here-"
  221. 221.
    >the princess magically drops one of those big chef hats on your head, and a pile of cooking utensils in front of you
  222. 222.
    "Well, I can cook theoretically, but…"
  223. 223.
    >you stick a hoof into the pile of utensils, attempting, somehow, to grab a big wooden spoon
  224. 224.
    "I can't really grip things."
  225. 225.
    <"What do you mean you can't grip things?! It's the easiest shit in the world! You just…"
  226. 226.
    >with physics-defying ease, Flurry Heart takes the spoon with her hoof and waves it around
  227. 227.
    "What even are you doing? I have no idea what I'm seeing here."
  228. 228.
    >and moodiness makes its triumphant comeback on Flurry Heart's face
  229. 229.
    <"Ugh! How can you be this stupid?"
  230. 230.
    "Listen. I'm fucking hungry. I assume you're fucking hungry. Just grab some shit and I'll tell you what to do with it."
  231. 231.
    <"But that's servant work!"
  232. 232.
    >it's really taking a lot of effort not to have a stroke right now
  233. 233.
    "No, it's functional adult work."
  234. 234.
    >Flurry blinks
  235. 235.
    <"Adult work?"
  236. 236.
    "Yeah, yeah, you'll be real grown-up once you can make your own food."
  237. 237.
    >the princess of insecurity averts her eyes from yours and scowls
  238. 238.
    <"Okay, fine. Just tell me what to do."
  239. 239.
    "Good."
  240. 240.
    >you push the stool over to the counter and climb on top
  241. 241.
    "We'll start with something simple. You'll need peanut butter, jelly, and sliced bread."
  242. 242.
    >with what you're sure is a needless waste of energy, Flurry Heart teleports the listed ingredients onto the table before her
  243. 243.
    "Get a knife, too."
  244. 244.
    >a giant fucking meat cleaver levitates from the pile of utensils
  245. 245.
    "Not that fucking knife! Grab a butter knife."
  246. 246.
    <"A what?"
  247. 247.
    "A little knife. One that's not so sharp."
  248. 248.
    >a steak-knife appears on the counter before Flurry Heart
  249. 249.
    >close enough
  250. 250.
    >also, why do herbivores have steak knives?
  251. 251.
    >or meat cleavers, for that matter
  252. 252.
    "Okay. Stick the knife into the peanut butter… take a big scoop of it… Good, now spread it out onto a slice of bread."
  253. 253.
    >this, too, requires a few minutes of coaching
  254. 254.
    >but in the end, you see one slice of bread with a thick layer peanut butter spread across its surface
  255. 255.
    "That's not too bad. Now, onto the jelly. Wipe that-"
  256. 256.
    >that's when the peanut butter on the bread catches fire
  257. 257.
    "…"
  258. 258.
    >you end up having bare bread-slices for breakfast
  259. 259.
     
  260. 260.
    >McFlurry sent you to "time-out" after breakfast
  261. 261.
    <"Because I'm the babysitter, and I say so."
  262. 262.
    >it doesn't seem she quite believes that you're old enough to be her dad
  263. 263.
    >no matter
  264. 264.
    >if you're going to be treated like a child
  265. 265.
    >you can act like a child
  266. 266.
    >before getting telepoofed to your guest-room, you stepped on that giant meat cleaver
  267. 267.
    >on the flat of it, don't worry
  268. 268.
    >you didn't know if it would work
  269. 269.
    >but since it seems like the same thing as hoof-grabbing the thing, you figured that it might
  270. 270.
    >now you're a small filly alone in a room with a big, sharp blade
  271. 271.
    >grabbing the thing with your hooves is out of the fucking question
  272. 272.
    >so, reluctantly, you take it up in your mouth
  273. 273.
    >hopefully it doesn't give you AIDS
  274. 274.
    >you rear up on your hind hooves
  275. 275.
    >rest on the door with your forehooves
  276. 276.
    >and bring the corner of the blade close to the lock
  277. 277.
    >oh, sure, the cleaver is too big to pick the lock properly with
  278. 278.
    >but if you jam it in enough times you might break the lock
  279. 279.
    >there's an obvious risk somewhere in this plan
  280. 280.
    >but you don't feel like thinking about that right now
  281. 281.
    >now the nice thing about being turned into an earth pony
  282. 282.
    >there'd probably be a steep learning curve to magic or wings
  283. 283.
    >but earth pony superstrength?
  284. 284.
    >that's intuitive enough
  285. 285.
    >you smash the knife into the lock
  286. 286.
    >and then
  287. 287.
    >you do it again
  288. 288.
    >and because that wasn't unsafe enough
  289. 289.
    >you keep doing it til your neck is too sore to swing the blade anymore
  290. 290.
    >at that point, you toss it onto the floor behind you and examine the lock
  291. 291.
    >yep, it's definitely ruined
  292. 292.
    >now, either you can open it
  293. 293.
    >or it'll never be unlocked again
  294. 294.
    >you're not entirely sure how this works, but shooting the lock always works in movies, so...
  295. 295.
    >with your teeth around the doorknob, you...
  296. 296.
    >open the door
  297. 297.
    >all right
  298. 298.
    >time for some mischief
  299. 299.
     
  300. 300.
    >actually, after roaming about the castle for a while, there's no obvious mischief to cause
  301. 301.
    >yeah, you could break some shit
  302. 302.
    >yeah, you could kick food all over the place
  303. 303.
    >yeah, you could take a big horseshit all over the floor
  304. 304.
    >but none of that is really speaking to you, you know?
  305. 305.
    >eventually, you settle on grabbing the steak knife from the kitchen
  306. 306.
    >you head up to the door of McFlurry's room with the handle in your mouth
  307. 307.
    >no, this hasn't turned into a slasher
  308. 308.
    >you put the tip of the blade to the surface of the door
  309. 309.
    >unfortunately, you can't be very precice doing this with your mouth
  310. 310.
    >but perhaps the art of what you're about to do lies within its very crudeness
  311. 311.
    >you scratch out a curve
  312. 312.
    >another curve below that
  313. 313.
    >a straight-ish line protruding from the curves
  314. 314.
    >parallel to that, another line
  315. 315.
    >and, connecting those, one more line
  316. 316.
    >you step back and admire your handiwork
  317. 317.
    >or is that mouthiwork?
  318. 318.
    >Flurry Heart's bedroom door is now graced with a big, poorly-drawn horsecock
  319. 319.
    >you squint
  320. 320.
    >actually, it's kind of faint
  321. 321.
    >you can't really see it unless you're looking straight at it
  322. 322.
    >better trace over it a few times
  323. 323.
    >you're about to put the knife to the door again
  324. 324.
    >when it's flung open
  325. 325.
    <"What are you doing?!"
  326. 326.
     
  327. 327.
    "Eh wehr jeh, ehr-"
  328. 328.
    >you spit the knife out
  329. 329.
    "I was just, uh, trying to see about getting some lunch."
  330. 330.
    >Flurry groans
  331. 331.
    <"Fine. This time it better be easy."
  332. 332.
    "Yes, of course, peanut butter and jelly was clearly too advanced for you."
  333. 333.
    >the gangly princess stalks out of her room
  334. 334.
    >you follow behind
  335. 335.
    >but not before glancing back at the door
  336. 336.
    >holy kek she really didn't notice
  337. 337.
    >down in the kitchen, you instruct your pupil to grab a box of instant macaroni
  338. 338.
    <"The fuck is that?"
  339. 339.
    >right
  340. 340.
    >you go diving through cabinets til you find what you're looking for
  341. 341.
    "This."
  342. 342.
    <"Ew, poor-people food."
  343. 343.
    >ignoring that
  344. 344.
    "Use that alicorn magic of yours to fill up that pot with water, and set it down on the stovetop right there."
  345. 345.
    >now, you know what the audience is thinking
  346. 346.
    >"but, Anon, if McFlurry can burn PB&J, why would you trust her with a hot stove?"
  347. 347.
    >simple answer:
  348. 348.
    >you wouldn't
  349. 349.
    >while she's getting the water, you grab the wooden spoon and push the stool over to the stove
  350. 350.
    >you clamber up the stool to the gratifying sight of a potful of water
  351. 351.
    >at the flick of a switch, the magic-based heating element activates
  352. 352.
    "Can you tear open that box and set it over here?"
  353. 353.
    >Flurry brings the box
  354. 354.
    >and also a question
  355. 355.
    <"What are you gonna do here? I thought you couldn't cook."
  356. 356.
    "I can't figure out how to make these hooves work, but I think I can stir a spoon with my mouth just fine."
  357. 357.
    <"Is that sanitary?"
  358. 358.
    "Probably not, but I've seen them do that at the bakery in Ponyville, and they're not shut down yet."
  359. 359.
    >whoah
  360. 360.
    >the water came to a boil way faster than you thought it would
  361. 361.
    >this magic stove apparently gets way hotter than your lonely campfires on the road ever did
  362. 362.
    "All right, pour that shit in."
  363. 363.
    >with the spoon in your mouth, you don't say anything for a while
  364. 364.
    >Flurry Heart doesn't say anything either
  365. 365.
    >she's watching you stir the macaroni curiously
  366. 366.
    >ah, man
  367. 367.
    >the hot steam blowing into your face isn't great
  368. 368.
    >but it sure does feel nice to be successfully doing something for yourself again
  369. 369.
    >after the five minutes specified on the box, you reckon that lunch is done
  370. 370.
    >better have Flurry get the strainer ready
  371. 371.
    >you turn to point at the sink
  372. 372.
    >too bad you forgot to take the spoon out of your mouth first
  373. 373.
    >now your macaroni is all over the floor
  374. 374.
    <"..."
  375. 375.
    >you have bare bread-slices for lunch too
  376. 376.
     
  377. 377.
    >at the very least, there was no bullshit "time-out" after lunch
  378. 378.
    >not that you could be contained anymore with that broken lock
  379. 379.
    >but still, it's the thought that counts
  380. 380.
    >or, maybe the lack of thought
  381. 381.
    >the princess seemed sulky about something when she stalked off into the castle
  382. 382.
    >whatever
  383. 383.
    >you're gonna wander now
  384. 384.
    >the courtyard gets boring pretty quick
  385. 385.
    >who makes a garden out of lifeless crystals in the middle of a fucking crystal empire?
  386. 386.
    >you could stare at the walls all day and see the same damn thing
  387. 387.
    >the palace library library has a few interesting titles
  388. 388.
    >too bad most of them are out of your reach
  389. 389.
    "I'm gonna go sit on Candyass's throne."
  390. 390.
    >you find the throne room
  391. 391.
    >it's a great hall with three fancy thrones at the end
  392. 392.
    >you're guessing the big one with the blue heart on it is Cadance's
  393. 393.
    >oh yeah, you plop your ass down on it
  394. 394.
    >you start making airy-fairy gestures with your hooves
  395. 395.
    "Hi, my name is Princess That's Amore Pizza Lasagna Candyass, and I love everyone til I'm behind your back!"
  396. 396.
    >hey wait a second
  397. 397.
    >is there supposed to be a giant hole in the middle of the throne room?
  398. 398.
    >and if so, is it supposed to have a winding staircase that descends into an ominous black abbyss?
  399. 399.
    >also, should you explore it?
  400. 400.
     
  401. 401.
    >down
  402. 402.
    >down
  403. 403.
    >down the steps you go
  404. 404.
    >the further you go, the darker it gets
  405. 405.
    >and the darker it gets, the louder the voices get
  406. 406.
    >no, not the voices in your head
  407. 407.
    >all around, you can hear what sounds like dozens of voices speaking in frantic whispers
  408. 408.
    >actually, you hope those voices are just in your head
  409. 409.
    >heh
  410. 410.
    >this feels like something Sombra would have enjoyed
  411. 411.
    >Sombra was a good bro sometimes
  412. 412.
    >too bad about that whole "going insane again and kidnapping a baby" thing
  413. 413.
    >actually, that baby was Flurry Heart, wasn't it?
  414. 414.
    >your hoof nearly slips on a rock and gives you a heart attack
  415. 415.
    "Man, it sure is fucking dark down here."
  416. 416.
    >as if on command, an eerie swirl of green and purple light emanates from no apparent source
  417. 417.
    "Th-thanks."
  418. 418.
    >down
  419. 419.
    >down
  420. 420.
    >down into the heart of darkness
  421. 421.
    >finally, you attempt to step down another stair, but find only level ground
  422. 422.
    "Fucking finally."
  423. 423.
     
  424. 424.
    >the space on the bottom is a small room with a little red door
  425. 425.
    >some sort of warning sign has been bolted to the door
  426. 426.
    >in the dim light, it takes a little effort to read what it says
  427. 427.
    >"Fear Door. Opening this door will result in visions of one's own worst fears. Proceed with caution. Entry prohibited except for personnel with H-class clearance or higher."
  428. 428.
    >uh
  429. 429.
    >well you used to be pretty good friends with Twilight
  430. 430.
    >that's gotta be at least H clearance
  431. 431.
    >whatever the fuck H clearance means
  432. 432.
    >with a little effort, you reach the doorknob
  433. 433.
    >the door creaks open to a pitch-black abyss
  434. 434.
    >and as you peer into the abyss...
  435. 435.
    >so too does the abyss peer into you
  436. 436.
    >and visions from a nightmare world overwhelm your senses
  437. 437.
    >your carefree life of wandering has been brought to an end!
  438. 438.
    >you've been transformed into a helpless little filly!
  439. 439.
    >your bidalism!
  440. 440.
    >your opposable thumbs!
  441. 441.
    >oh, shit, does this make you a tranny?!
  442. 442.
    >Twilight Sparkle has taken complete control of your life!
  443. 443.
    >even kids are infantilizing you!
  444. 444.
    "Wait a second, I'm already living this."
  445. 445.
    >you throw the door shut
  446. 446.
    "Dumb door."
  447. 447.
    >hang on
  448. 448.
    >the doorknob seems to have slid to the other side of the door
  449. 449.
    >you reach up to open it again
  450. 450.
    >this time the door opens to a wide space
  451. 451.
    >in the center of the space is an ivory tower
  452. 452.
    >a spiral staircase wraps around the tower's exterior
  453. 453.
     
  454. 454.
    >up
  455. 455.
    >up
  456. 456.
    >up the damn tower you go
  457. 457.
    >trying real hard not to think about the long walk back to that throne room
  458. 458.
    >wondering just what you're going to find at the top
  459. 459.
    >wondering, more importantly, why so many damn stairs?
  460. 460.
    >times like this, you really miss being a six-foot biped
  461. 461.
    >each step becomes a chore in itself
  462. 462.
    >you have to place both forehooves on each new step
  463. 463.
    >and pull your hindquarters up with your whole upper body
  464. 464.
    >your heart is thumping like a jackhammer in your throat by the time you reach the top
  465. 465.
    >hang on
  466. 466.
    >just
  467. 467.
    >just catch your breath real quick
  468. 468.
    >aw man
  469. 469.
    >Twilight's gonna have to send a rescue party when she gets back
  470. 470.
    >there's no way you're doing all that climbing all over again
  471. 471.
    >you shake your head, and get up
  472. 472.
    >a pointed arch covers the entrance to a room
  473. 473.
    >stepping inside, you find that it's lined with bookshelves
  474. 474.
    >the tomes on the shelves are dark and leather-bound
  475. 475.
    >which is pretty edgy when you consider that cows can talk in this world
  476. 476.
    >in the middle of the room...
  477. 477.
    >Flurry Heart lies still on a couch
  478. 478.
    >huh
  479. 479.
    >this feels like an awfully ominous place to be finding a teenaged pink princess horse
  480. 480.
    >stepping closer, you can see the slow rising and falling of her breast
  481. 481.
    >she's fast asleep
  482. 482.
    >tucked under her foreleg is a book
  483. 483.
    >"Darkstar's Practical Guide to Cooking With Black Magic"
  484. 484.
    >your eyebrows fly right off the top of your head
  485. 485.
    >holy shit
  486. 486.
    >you had no idea that this cooking thing was getting under Flurry's skin so bad
  487. 487.
    >m-maybe you should wake her up?
  488. 488.
    >or, uh, maybe...
  489. 489.
    >oh, look, there's another door
  490. 490.
    >better go explore what's beyond it
  491. 491.
    >away from the moody alicorn with the black magic cookbook
  492. 492.
    >on the other side of the door is the regular palace library
  493. 493.
    >oh thank fuck, you don't have to climb those stairs again
  494. 494.
    >carefully, so as not to disturb the sleeping princess, you shut the door behind you
  495. 495.
    >and when you blink, the door is gone
  496. 496.
    >well, maybe McFlurry's got the right idea anyhow
  497. 497.
    >about the napping, not the black magic
  498. 498.
    >after that walk, you're pretty tired
  499. 499.
    >you head out of the library and toward your guest room
  500. 500.
     
  501. 501.
    <"Anon, wake up. Dinner is ready."
  502. 502.
    >the Flurry Heart that's nudging you with her snout seems like a whole new pony
  503. 503.
    "Mh... what?"
  504. 504.
    >you sit up and rub your eyes
  505. 505.
    "What?!"
  506. 506.
    >for the first time all weekend, the princess of teen angst is actually smiling
  507. 507.
    >she seems so excited about something that she hasn't noticed the destroyed lock on the door
  508. 508.
    >once she sees that you're awake, she stands tall and grins down at you, her chest puffed out in pride
  509. 509.
    <"Come on downstairs, Anon. Let's eat."
  510. 510.
    >remembering "Darkstar's Practical Guide to Cooking With Black Magic" makes you panic
  511. 511.
    >did she really turn to forbidden arts just to make dinner?
  512. 512.
    >dare you disobey this ominous dinner bell?
  513. 513.
    >you probably should
  514. 514.
    "Okay."
  515. 515.
    >but you don't
  516. 516.
    >you're following the lanky princess pony to the dining hall
  517. 517.
    >which would be hard enough with those stubby legs of yours
  518. 518.
    >but when she's practically prancing down the stairs?
  519. 519.
    >you cough
  520. 520.
    "I, uh, saw you asleep with that book. The black magic cookbook."
  521. 521.
    >well, you get your wish
  522. 522.
    >Flurry gasps, and stops so suddenly that you smack into her leg
  523. 523.
    <"You saw that?! Oh, no, please don't tell my mom. I didn't use it or anything, I swear!"
  524. 524.
    "I won't, I promise. But if you didn't use the book, what did you do?"
  525. 525.
    >your question puts the grin back on Flurry Heart's face
  526. 526.
    >you walk along together at a slower pace as she explains
  527. 527.
    <"Well, I started thinking to myself, how can I rule the Crystal Empire some day if I make some little filly do my cooking for me? I've gotta take control of my own destiny, you know?"
  528. 528.
    <"I looked through, like, a million cookbooks to try and find a recipe I could do. And, uh, yeah, one of them was the one you saw."
  529. 529.
    <"But literally none of them made any sense! I decided there was only one thing to do."
  530. 530.
    >you've come to the great crystal doors of the palace dining hall
  531. 531.
    "And what was that?"
  532. 532.
    >Flurry smiles, and flings open the doors with het magic
  533. 533.
    >on the table is laid out...
  534. 534.
    >a pair of large pizzas in cardboard boxes
  535. 535.
    <"Give up and order takeout!"
  536. 536.
     
  537. 537.
    >Twilight got done saving the world a little early
  538. 538.
    >so she came by to pick you up first thing Sunday morning
  539. 539.
    >Flurry invited "Auntie Twilight" to stay for tea and a chat
  540. 540.
    >Twilight was more than happy to stay and chat with her "favorite niece"
  541. 541.
    >even though Twilight ended up having to make the tea herself
  542. 542.
    ^"That's a wonderful story, Flurry Heart! Do you feel like you learned anything?"
  543. 543.
    >Flurry grins and sits a little straighter
  544. 544.
    <"I learned that being an adult, and a princess, means taking care of myself. Sometimes, being a princess is going to mean facing tough situations, and I won't always be able to rely on servants or my parents."
  545. 545.
    >Twilight beams
  546. 546.
    ^"That's a wonderful lesson, Flurry Heart. You're absolutely right."
  547. 547.
    >oh, geez
  548. 548.
    >it's so sugary sweet you think your teeth are gonna fall out
  549. 549.
    >you blow on your tea again before dipping your tongue into it
  550. 550.
    >still too hot
  551. 551.
    ^"Truth be told, Flurry Heart, I was hoping Anon could help you learn that. I don't have many friends as naturally independent as he is."
  552. 552.
    >Flurry's eyebrow cocks at that
  553. 553.
    <"He?"
  554. 554.
    >Twilight chuckles awkwardly
  555. 555.
    ^"It's a, um, funny story."
  556. 556.
    >the younger princess is staring at you and blinking now
  557. 557.
    <"Wait, so are you actually, like, really old and stuff?"
  558. 558.
    "I'm not even 40! That's not that old!"
  559. 559.
    >Twilight giggles
  560. 560.
    ^"That reminds me, Anon. I was hoping you would learn something too."
  561. 561.
    >learn something?
  562. 562.
    >you scratch your chin in thought
  563. 563.
    >oh, there is something you learned!
  564. 564.
    "I finally figured it out! Watch this shit."
  565. 565.
    >you pull the spoon out of your teacup, and hold it in your hoof triumphantly
  566. 566.
    "Look at that! I don't even know how that works! Isn't it great?"
  567. 567.
    >Twilight sighs
  568. 568.
    ^"I'm happy for you, Anon. But that wasn't quite the lesson I hoped you would learn."
  569. 569.
    >you shrug
  570. 570.
    "Twilight, I was cooking beans over an open fire in the middle of Pineywood Swamp when your spell abducted me. Like you said, I already know a thing or two about self-reliance."
  571. 571.
    ^"Well, that's why I was hoping you'd learn about relying on others."
  572. 572.
    "Huh?"
  573. 573.
    ^"As we approach middle-age, we're going to find that sometimes there are challenges we can't overcome on our own. Relying on others to a certain degree will not only help you win the day, but it will also forge the bonds of friendship between yourself and those around you!"
  574. 574.
    >you eyeball the spoon in your hoof
  575. 575.
    "Twilight, I can sort of see where you're coming from, but..."
  576. 576.
    >Twilight yelps as the spoon from your hoof bounces off of her forehead
  577. 577.
    "Fuck off."

Horse Confessions

by Writefag_Roulette

Anon Tried to Kill Himself

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Rubehog Day: Ruby Destination (/pone/ CYOA)

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The Skintrotter

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Legend of the Wandering Autist

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