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[FLUTTERRAPE] Chef Anon

By Nebulus
Created: 2020-12-17 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-07-03 16:57:04
Expiry: Never
anonsafecomedy/flutterrape/princess celestiamane 6

  1. 1.
    Originally uploaded to Pastebin: April 11th, 2013
  2. 2.
    ---
  3. 3.
     
  4. 4.
    >Day Anger in Equestria
  5. 5.
    >You are Anon
  6. 6.
    >Royal chef
  7. 7.
    >Be screaming at your staff
  8. 8.
    WHAT IS THIS?!
  9. 9.
    >You grab a fist-full of mushy potatoes and hold it up to them
  10. 10.
    >The ponies at the front shrink back slightly
  11. 11.
    WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? MASHED POTATOES?
  12. 12.
    >One of the cooks steps forward and shakily nods
  13. 13.
    >"I-It's for P-princess Luna, sir"
  14. 14.
    >Hurl the mash at him
  15. 15.
    >It hits his face and he stumbles back, screaming and trying to get the mash out of his eyes
  16. 16.
    >Turn to the rest of them
  17. 17.
    WHICH CUM-GUZZLING FOAL FIDDLER THOUGHT IT WAS a GOOD IDEA TO FEED MASHED POTATOES TO ROYALTY?!
  18. 18.
    >A stallion at the back raises his hoof
  19. 19.
    >Pick up a pan of boiling grease and toss it at him
  20. 20.
    >The stallion, as well as several others before him, drop to the floor and writhe in agony as the grease burns them
  21. 21.
    >Sigh and turn to your second-in-command
  22. 22.
    Well, at least you don't do stupid shit like this, Windy.
  23. 23.
    >Windy, a short, scared looking white stallion laughs nervously
  24. 24.
    >Narrow your eyes
  25. 25.
    Windy. Is there something you need to tell me?
  26. 26.
    >He shakes his head and takes a step back
  27. 27.
    N-not at all, Chef Anonymous, sir.
  28. 28.
    >Turn to face him and bend forwards, pushing your face against his
  29. 29.
    >Extend a finger and wipe it on his ear
  30. 30.
    >He flinches and closes his eyes
  31. 31.
    >Look at your finger, now covered in red sauce
  32. 32.
    This better not be what I think it is, Windy.
  33. 33.
    >He trembles in fear
  34. 34.
    >Slowly lick your finger, your eyes fixed on him the whole time
  35. 35.
    >The moment your tongue touches the sauce, your blood rises in temperature and you feel insanity taking hold
  36. 36.
    >Ketchup.
  37. 37.
    >"Well, Anonymous. I just don't know how you do it."
  38. 38.
    >Celestia looks around at the kitchen
  39. 39.
    >Bits of pony adorn the walls
  40. 40.
    >Windy lies on his back on a grill, several knifes poking out of his chest in what appears to be a ritual sacrifice
  41. 41.
    >A pile of dead bodies in sat in the corner, and a decapitated head has been hollowed out and turned into a jack-o-lantern, merrily burning away at the entrance to the kitchen
  42. 42.
    >"15 good cooks, gone!"
  43. 43.
    >She frowns at you
  44. 44.
    >You shrug
  45. 45.
    Honestly, this is just as much your fault as it is mine.
  46. 46.
    >"...How?"
  47. 47.
    >Stare blankly at her for a moment
  48. 48.
    Can I have some more cooks?
  49. 49.
    >"Well that's not up to me, Anon. This is the second time this has happened. I don't think ponies will want to work in your kitchen anymore."
  50. 50.
    Not my fault none of them can cook for shit
  51. 51.
    >"You could TRY to contain your anger for once."
  52. 52.
    Nah. It feels good to vent. Anger makes me creative
  53. 53.
    >Pull a plate out of a nearby oven
  54. 54.
    Here, I made this after the massacre
  55. 55.
    >You hand her a small white plate with a delightful looking treat resting on it, covered in sugar, strawberry jam and cream
  56. 56.
    >Celestia squeals and chomps on it
  57. 57.
    >Scratch her ear while she chews
  58. 58.
    >Her back leg wiggles slightly and her wings unfurl
  59. 59.
    >God damn horses
  60. 60.
    >"Anyway, I'll put up an advertisement for new staff. What's for dinner?"
  61. 61.
    You'll get what you're given, you pest. Now get the hell out of my kitchen.
  62. 62.
    >You slap two pans together and make "OOGA BOOGA" noises while you chase the goddess out of the kitchen
  63. 63.
    >She stops just before the door and steals an entire bag of sugar
  64. 64.
    GOD DAMMIT!
  65. 65.
    >You hear Celestia giggle madly as she runs through the doors and back to her room, no doubt to engorge herself on raw sugar
  66. 66.
    >It's a miracle she isn't fatter
  67. 67.
     
  68. 68.
    >A week goes by
  69. 69.
    >You silently make food and mope
  70. 70.
    >You miss being able to scream at people
  71. 71.
    >Or ponies. Either one works
  72. 72.
    >You trained under the most angry chefs in the world back on earth
  73. 73.
    >Ever since you were little you dreamed of having your own team of chefs to abuse and shout at
  74. 74.
    >But what is a chef without his team?
  75. 75.
    >A miserable pile of non-anger
  76. 76.
    >Sigh
  77. 77.
    >Hear voices outside the kitchen
  78. 78.
    >Your heart flutters
  79. 79.
    >Even if it's not a new crew, you can still shout at them
  80. 80.
    >You search frantically for your largest cleaver and hold it above your head, ready to run screaming at the unfortunate sod to walk through those doors
  81. 81.
    >Celestia barges through, followed by 6 ponies
  82. 82.
    >"Anonymous! I have found you some helpers!"
  83. 83.
    >You blink a few times
  84. 84.
    Help...eeeerrrrr?
  85. 85.
    >"Oh knock it off, Anonymous. I got you a small team to help"
  86. 86.
    >Look over at the ponies, who are smiling back at you
  87. 87.
    >"They are strong, willing, imaginative, intelligent, have saved Equestria numerous times and are ready to help you!"
  88. 88.
    Can they cook?
  89. 89.
    >"How the hell should I know?"
  90. 90.
    >Celestia laughs and trots into the store rooms to steal more snacks
  91. 91.
    >You watch her go and look back to the group
  92. 92.
    >The purple one steps forward
  93. 93.
    >"Good morning, sir! My name is Twilight Sparkle, person student of Celestia!"
  94. 94.
    Can you make food?
  95. 95.
    >"Well... Uhh... I can make toast!"
  96. 96.
    >She beams at you
  97. 97.
    >You smile back at her and grip the handle of your cleaver harder
  98. 98.
    >Her skull would make a nice mop bucket
  99. 99.
    >Just then the pink one and the orange one step forward, the pink one bouncing right up to you and giggling
  100. 100.
    >"Oh! Oh! I can cook! I can cook anything!"
  101. 101.
    Oh, wonderful! Then be a dear and put together some caramelized pears with cheese soufflé and a side dish of oriental sauces, please. You have 30 minutes.
  102. 102.
    >The pink one goes into hysterics and rolls around on the floor
  103. 103.
    >Stare at her and then back at the orange one
  104. 104.
    What about you, buffalo bessy? Can you do anything useful?
  105. 105.
    >"Ah can make apples!"
  106. 106.
    Anything else?
  107. 107.
    >She blinks
  108. 108.
    >"Ah don't understand."
  109. 109.
    >Groan
  110. 110.
    OY, CELESTIA
  111. 111.
    >Celestia pokes her head around the corner, her mouth covered in chocolate and levitating several cakes near her
  112. 112.
    >"Yes?"
  113. 113.
    Get your fat ass out here and get me some real help. These idiots probably couldn't even make braising steak!
  114. 114.
    >A blue horse flies up to you and begins shouting
  115. 115.
    >"HEY! You don't get to talk to my friends that way!"
  116. 116.
    >You bare your teeth at her, showing her your canines
  117. 117.
    I bet those wings would look great with some seasoning
  118. 118.
    >Lightly touch her body with your cleaver
  119. 119.
    >The colour leaves her face and she backs off
  120. 120.
    >"Girls, I think this guy is crazy-"
  121. 121.
    >You slam your cleaver into a chopping block, creating a huge crack down the middle
  122. 122.
    OF COURSE I'M CRAZY. I'M A COOK, GOD DAMMIT!
  123. 123.
    >The group gasps
  124. 124.
    >Celestia walks out of the store room, taking half of its contents with her in a golden aura
  125. 125.
    >"Oh, I forgot to mention, Anon. I told them that they'd get medals in friendship or something if they helped you"
  126. 126.
    >She stuffs a jam tart down her gullet
  127. 127.
    >"I'm off to go do political stuff. Cheerio!"
  128. 128.
    >She trots out, her ass jiggling with each step
  129. 129.
    >Silence reigns
  130. 130.
    >Turn back to the group
  131. 131.
    >Twilight smiles at you
  132. 132.
    >"So! Shall we get to work?"
  133. 133.
     
  134. 134.
    >You walk around, eyes darting all over your kitchen
  135. 135.
    >Once again, busy chatter fills the air, but it's more controlled than what you're used to
  136. 136.
    >Pass Applejack, who is busy rolling out some pastry
  137. 137.
    What's this?
  138. 138.
    >"Apple pie! All ah need now are some apples!"
  139. 139.
    They're in the store room. Celestia doesn't eat fruit.
  140. 140.
    >Applejack thanks you and dashes off to the back room
  141. 141.
    >Notice that an oven is running at 300
  142. 142.
    >Open it
  143. 143.
    >Pinkie Pie is reading a book with a nightcap on
  144. 144.
    >"Do you mind?"
  145. 145.
    Sorry.
  146. 146.
    >Close the oven
  147. 147.
    >Wait
  148. 148.
    >Almost tear off the door
  149. 149.
    >Reach in and grab the red hot pony
  150. 150.
    >Your hand burns but the rage dulls the pain
  151. 151.
    WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
  152. 152.
    >Pinkie giggles
  153. 153.
    >Cut her off before she can utter her second "hehe"
  154. 154.
    SHUT UP. YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, SO DO IT!
  155. 155.
    >Pinkie's smile wavers
  156. 156.
    >"You don't have to be so mean about it..."
  157. 157.
    >She drops to the floor and sulks, before walking over to a chopping board and slicing up some cucumber in silence
  158. 158.
    >Rub your temples
  159. 159.
    >Follow her to apologise
  160. 160.
    >Prod her
  161. 161.
    Look, I-
  162. 162.
    >She melts
  163. 163.
    >Stare in shock as the pony seems to turn to mush
  164. 164.
    >A pink puddle on the floor now stares back at you with big blue googly eyes
  165. 165.
    >Scoop it up and put it in a measuring jug
  166. 166.
    >Put it in a cupboard and pretend that it didn't happen
  167. 167.
    >Look around
  168. 168.
    >No one saw it
  169. 169.
    >Good
  170. 170.
    >Stroll away, whistling a tune
  171. 171.
    >Observe Fluttershy over her shoulder
  172. 172.
    >She's drawing dicks in the flour
  173. 173.
    >Clear your throat
  174. 174.
    >She screams and blows away the flour, causing white powder to fly everywhere
  175. 175.
    >Fluttershy spins around to face you
  176. 176.
    >"Oh! Umm H-hello mister Anon!"
  177. 177.
    >She blushes
  178. 178.
    >"Come to... Assist me?"
  179. 179.
    >What.
  180. 180.
    >She begins rubbing flour all over herself
  181. 181.
    >Look over your shoulder at the rest of the staff
  182. 182.
    >Then back at Fluttershy
  183. 183.
    >She's licking her lips and covering herself in flour
  184. 184.
    >"Oh dear! I'm so dirty! Looks like you'll have to clean me!"
  185. 185.
    >You shrug
  186. 186.
    >Pick her up
  187. 187.
    >And put her in the sink used to clean massive dishes
  188. 188.
    >Cover her in water
  189. 189.
    >The flour inevitably turns into dough
  190. 190.
    >She squirms, the dough slowing her movements
  191. 191.
    >You watch with a smirk as she tries to move closer to you, the dough acting like glue and preventing her from doing anything
  192. 192.
    >Leave Fluttershy in the sink and go over to Twilight, who is dissecting a bell pepper
  193. 193.
    You're meant to cook it, not experiment on it.
  194. 194.
    >"Oh! But I figured out a spell to make them bigger! Watch!"
  195. 195.
    >She focuses her magic and infuses the pepper
  196. 196.
    >It grows to 10 times its original size
  197. 197.
    Woah! That's actually quite useful!
  198. 198.
    >Pat her on the back
  199. 199.
    Nice job, twinkle toes. I could fashion this into a dish.
  200. 200.
    >At that moment the bell pepper shudders
  201. 201.
    >You and Twilight look at each other
  202. 202.
    >The pepper violently shakes, and a jagged limb explodes from its back
  203. 203.
    >The limb ends in a huge scythe
  204. 204.
    >Another one explodes out of the other side of it
  205. 205.
    >Arms and legs sprout from the pepper, all tipped with some kind of sharp point
  206. 206.
    >The pepper then grows a mouth, filled with knife-like teeth, and shrieks
  207. 207.
    >You wince at the noise and duck as the pepper jumps over you
  208. 208.
    >It runs into the storeroom
  209. 209.
    >Hear Applejack scream
  210. 210.
    >Hear curses and yells of "help"
  211. 211.
    >A loud crash and several bangs follow
  212. 212.
    >Applejack runs out of the storeroom, covered in deep cuts and clutching a shattered broom handle
  213. 213.
    >She slams the door and locks it, wheezing
  214. 214.
    >Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Twilight rush over to comfort their friend
  215. 215.
    >They scream at you to help
  216. 216.
    Seriously? Get back to work, you idiots
  217. 217.
    >Rarity seems mortified
  218. 218.
    >"Applejack is injured! She needs help!"
  219. 219.
    Ehh, walk it off. I once had a guy who lost 3 legs and still got back to work despite blood loss
  220. 220.
    >You sniff
  221. 221.
    >You miss Haystack sometimes. He knew what it meant to be a chef
  222. 222.
    >Shame he died shortly after making the soup
  223. 223.
    Cooking is a grisly job. If you can't handle it, get out.
  224. 224.
    >You turn and head back to your post, where you slice up vegetables and prepare a kind of spicy-gravy
  225. 225.
    >Hear several loud bangs
  226. 226.
    >Ignore it and keep slicing
  227. 227.
    >"OH SWEET CELESTIA! THE PEPPER HAS ZOMBIFIED ALL THE OTHER FRUIT AND VEG! EVERYPONY RUN!"
  228. 228.
    >You hear screams and horrifying roars emitted from the mutant zombie fruit
  229. 229.
    >Ignore it and keep slicing
  230. 230.
    >Hear Twilight vapourising things, the smell of burnt fruit and vegetables filling your nostrils
  231. 231.
    >"RARITY DOWN! RARITY DOWN!"
  232. 232.
    >"GO ON WITHOUT ME, TWILIGHT!"
  233. 233.
    >"NO! I'M NOT LEAVING YOU!"
  234. 234.
    >You reach for a couple of potatoes and start peeling them so you can boil them later
  235. 235.
    >After 10 or so minutes, you turn around again
  236. 236.
    >The kitchen is utterly destroyed
  237. 237.
    >Twilight is rocking back and forth under the sink
  238. 238.
    >Applejack is holding Rarity in her hooves
  239. 239.
    >Rarity is covered in pepper seed and sticky goo
  240. 240.
    >"Com'on, Rare! Jus’ hold on a lil' bit longer!"
  241. 241.
    >Rarity smiles softly and strokes Applejack's face
  242. 242.
    >"T-there there, Applejack... I'll be... F-..."
  243. 243.
    >She goes limp
  244. 244.
    >Applejack lets out a long, drawn out "NOOOO"
  245. 245.
    She dead?
  246. 246.
    >"Nah. Just knocked out."
  247. 247.
    >She drops Rarity and gets back to work
  248. 248.
    >Rainbow Dash is talking way too fast
  249. 249.
    >"And did you see what I did to that orange?! Ohmygosh it was SO COOL!"
  250. 250.
    I don't care.
  251. 251.
    >"I know right! I'm SO. AWESOME!"
  252. 252.
    >She squeals, flies out the backdoor, and starts pleasuring herself
  253. 253.
    >You know that she does that, because you can hear her grunting and saying her own name over and over again
  254. 254.
    >Fucking Cerulean-Flight-Fast-Go-Speedy-Neigh
  255. 255.
    >You look down and see the measuring jug of Pinkie wobbling and trying to bounce around
  256. 256.
    >Move it back to where it was
  257. 257.
    >The Pinkie-Goo growls in frustration
  258. 258.
    >Move over to the sink to clean your knife
  259. 259.
    >Look up
  260. 260.
    >A solid mass of goo is blinking at you
  261. 261.
    Fluttershy.
  262. 262.
    >"mmmMGhmmMM."
  263. 263.
    >Move back to your post and slice up more ingredients in peace, putting a couple of things on the stove and in the oven
  264. 264.
    >Rainbow walks back in, shudders, and runs back outside after grabbing a cucumber off the counter
  265. 265.
    >Look at the clock
  266. 266.
    >It's been an hour.
  267. 267.
    >How the shit have you lost half your crew in an hour.
  268. 268.
    >Look around
  269. 269.
    >Applejack is the only one working, Twilight is just twitching on the floor and not doing anything
  270. 270.
    >Scratch that, you lost 5/6ths of your team in an hour
  271. 271.
    >That's a new record of some kind
  272. 272.
    >A servant walks in through the doors, look around the room, and walks back out
  273. 273.
    >Stroll after him and drag him kicking and screaming back in
  274. 274.
    Waddya want, sonny?
  275. 275.
    >"T-the princesses are hungry..."
  276. 276.
    The princesses are ALWAYS hungry, boy.
  277. 277.
    >"I-I mean it's time for dinner."
  278. 278.
    Fuck. Fine.
  279. 279.
    >Grip his tail and fling him out
  280. 280.
    Team! Form up!
  281. 281.
    >Applejack trots over to you
  282. 282.
    >Rainbow collapses through the back door, utterly exhausted
  283. 283.
    >She catches her reflection in a shiny pot
  284. 284.
    >Grabs a few carrots
  285. 285.
    >And runs back out
  286. 286.
    >Applejack smiles at you
  287. 287.
    Right, Applehorse. We need to make something for the princesses. You up to the task?
  288. 288.
    >"Sure thing, boss! Waddya have in mind?"
  289. 289.
    Something that isn't apples.
  290. 290.
    >Applejack's lower jaw drops open and she starts drooling
  291. 291.
    >Close it for her
  292. 292.
    Come on. Lets make a cake or some shit. They don't eat properly anyway.
  293. 293.
    >You and Applejack assemble a quick cake and send it out
  294. 294.
    Huh. That didn't take long at all. And I only lost...
  295. 295.
    >Hold up a hand
  296. 296.
    Three fingers.
  297. 297.
    >Celestia will magic some back later. She always does
  298. 298.
    >You know what they say about chefs
  299. 299.
    >Their own sweat and blood goes into their work
  300. 300.
    >You watch as the various servants take the cake out and serve it up to the princesses
  301. 301.
    >Sigh
  302. 302.
    Another meal made. Another calamity survived. Honestly, Applejack. I just don't know how I do it.
  303. 303.
    >Applejack shrugs
  304. 304.
    >"Maybe it was friendship"
  305. 305.
    >Stare at her
  306. 306.
    That's fucking retarded
  307. 307.
    >"Ah know."
  308. 308.
    >You both stand in silence for a while
  309. 309.
    Hold the fucking phone, why was the cake bright pink?
  310. 310.
    >AJ motions to the empty, pink stained measuring jug
  311. 311.
    >"Ah used that icin' ya made"
  312. 312.
    Oh my god.
  313. 313.
    >Run out of the kitchen and towards the royal dining room in time to see Celestia eat an entire cake
  314. 314.
    YOU FAT FUCK!
  315. 315.
    >Her ears flatten
  316. 316.
    >"Buh uh eed iiihh"
  317. 317.
    YOU DON'T NEED SHIT YOU OVERSIZED BEAN BAG
  318. 318.
    >She doubles over
  319. 319.
    >"Oh, my... What was in there, Anonymous?"
  320. 320.
    >At that moment, her head is tossed back and her jaw opens as wide as it can
  321. 321.
    >Pinkie Pie, fully formed, explodes from Celestia's gullet like an overjoyed xenomorph
  322. 322.
    >"SURPRISE!"
  323. 323.
    >Luna screams and falls off her chair
  324. 324.
    >She waves her hooves around in the air and wails
  325. 325.
    >"HELP! I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!"
  326. 326.
    Fuck this, I'm out.
  327. 327.
    >You storm back to your kitchen
  328. 328.
    >When you get there, Rainbow Dash is trying to insert an entire banana into herself
  329. 329.
    >Fluttershy has escaped from the dough and is sticking your favourite knife inside her anus, handle first
  330. 330.
    >"A-are knives what get you hot, Anon? Do you want to... grill me?"
  331. 331.
    >You tear the knife out of her rectum
  332. 332.
    >Sob
  333. 333.
    >And throw it in the incinerator that you just have lying around in the corner of the room
  334. 334.
    >Pick up Fluttershy
  335. 335.
    >Carry her out the backdoor
  336. 336.
    >Trip up on a load of soggy carrots lying on the floor
  337. 337.
    >Fall on your back
  338. 338.
    >Fluttershy lands on your chest
  339. 339.
    >"You're hurt! Let me kiss it better!"
  340. 340.
    >She mushes her face against yours
  341. 341.
    >Your rage knows no bounds
  342. 342.
    >Throw her in a bin
  343. 343.
    >Carry the bin all the way from the castle to the Canterlot train tracks
  344. 344.
    >Wait an entire hour, the bin held over your head with Fluttershy banging around inside it the whole time
  345. 345.
    >See a train coming
  346. 346.
    >Throw the bin onto the tracks
  347. 347.
    >The train slams into the bin and obliterates it
  348. 348.
    >Run back to the kitchens
  349. 349.
    >Grip Rainbow Dash, hoof deep inside herself
  350. 350.
    >Throw her in the incinerator
  351. 351.
    >Find Twilight, rocking back and forth under a table
  352. 352.
    >Grip her horn and drag her out of the kitchen and towards the griffon ambassador's house
  353. 353.
    >Toss her inside with a piece of paper saying "Din dins"
  354. 354.
    >Run back to the kitchen
  355. 355.
    >Rarity wakes up as you get inside
  356. 356.
    >She tries to flirt with you
  357. 357.
    >Force feed her bell peppers until she passes out again
  358. 358.
    >Applejack stares at you once you've finished you fast paced rampage
  359. 359.
    >"Uhh, aren't ya gonna do somethin to me?"
  360. 360.
    >Glare at her
  361. 361.
    >Grin
  362. 362.
    Sure. How'd you like to be my second in command?
  363. 363.
    >She screams and runs out the door
  364. 364.
    >Watch her go, too tired to follow her
  365. 365.
    >Slump to the floor and hold your head in your hands
  366. 366.
    >You sit there for what seems like hours, just thinking about how bad your life is with these ponies
  367. 367.
    >Stand up after a while
  368. 368.
    >Go over to the store room
  369. 369.
    >A single can of beans is left
  370. 370.
    >Open it
  371. 371.
    >Spend the rest of your evening chugging beans and complaining about how stupid ponies are to the various kitchen appliances
  372. 372.
    >All in all it was a pretty normal day.
  373. 373.
     
  374. 374.
    The End.

[FLUTTERRAPE] Happy Birthday

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Science

by Nebulus

[ANON IN EQUESTRIA] Commando

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Three Anons One Pit

by Nebulus

[FLUTTERRAPE] Demon Swords and Dark Overlords

by Nebulus