Twilight operates heavy machinery while under the influence

 

 

 

She set it ablaze using her horn, taking a deep toke from the spliff I held to her snout. A hacking cough escaped her lips as she tried and failed to hold in the smoke.

 

“You’re a fucking bitch, Twilight,” said Rainbow, already half a joint in at 8:30PM. “Yo, AJ, you want any of this?”

 

“Uhh, no thanks, I’m good. You guys go on ahead,” she responded. “Christ, Twilight, you look worse off than Big Macintosh at my sister’s Cute-Ceañera”

 

“I’m only doing this for the purpose of scientific research. Normally I wouldn’t dream of imbibing the devil’s lettuce, but- hoo, hoo boy…” Twilight exhaled as she reclined further into her loaf-like seating position. She drew her hooves in closer and muttered something unintelligible.

 

“Alright, suit yourself”, I said, rolling up a doobie of my own. I knelt down to one of AJ’s candles and lit up, wishing my old Bic lighter still worked. Getting more fluid wasn’t the problem- once the striker went, that thing was history.

 

“Hey, quit waving that thing around, y’hear? At least wait until the paint dries on this barn before you burn it down”

 

I winced, trying to remember what happened during my last bender. It’s not my fault barns have to be so flammable. At least earth ponies are good at rebuilding things. As I reclined into the old sofa I dragged in and tried to recall what a human vagina looked like, Twilight suddenly perked up.

 

“Guys, guys,” she said, a smile stretching across her horse face.

 

“I’m gonna do it”

 

“Do what?” Dash asked quizzically, one eye closed.

 

“I’m gonna do the one thing you should never do while you’re under the influence,” she replied.

 

Applejack’s face fell. “Twilight, drink some water. You’re not thinking straight. Surely you don’t mean-”

 

Twilight jumped to her hooves and cut her off. “I’m gonna do it, Applejack!”

 

“You’re gonna what?

 

“I’m gonna operate HEAVY MACHINERY!”

 

Twilight bolted out the night.

 

“Oh, horseapples.” AJ ran after her, the only one of us sober enough to do so.

 

I glanced at Rainbow Dash, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. She just shrugged and sipped more cidershine. Honestly, it seems that ever since I built the Apples a still, she seemed a lot more mellow.

 

I stared blankly for a couple minutes, watching her struggle to smoke and drink at the same time before speaking.

 

“Alright, let’s get a move on. We better find Twilight before she crushes somepony to death”

 

I got to my feet as she got to her hooves. We staggered our way outside, laughing the whole way.

 

“Honestly, anon, I can’t thank you enough for this. It’s changed my life. I don’t know exactly what ‘cirrhosis of the liver’ is, but hic there’s no way it’s going to kill me faster than a thinly strung wire eventually will, heh”

 

“Don’t, uh, don’t mention it. Where do you s’pose they got off to?”, I said as a massive explosion went off in the center of Ponyville.

 

“Probably somewhere in that direction. Let’s roll”

 

 

 

 

 

We set off towards Ponyville, following massive tire treads digging into the ground. Rainbow began to panic as we passed by the dismembered corpse of a filly, before she realized it was just Scootaloo.

 

She sighed with relief. “We should pick up the pace. Sooner or later, Twilight might hurt somepony I actually care about!”

 

“Roger that”, I replied. I scratched my head and stared at Rainbow Dash for a solid nineteen seconds before we both shook our heads and bolted down Twilight’s path of destruction.

 

Rainbow Dash and I gasped in horror as we observed Twilight Sparkle, stoned out of her gourd, driving around and doing wheelies in a Panzerkamfvagen IV Tiger I tank.

 

“Rainbow! Anon! Twilight’s gone nuts! Y’all gotta help me get her under control!”

 

“We gotta take out the main power source!” I yelled, unzipping my pants.

 

Applejack lasso’d the tank door handle open. I leaped on top of the tank and prepared to enter.

 

“One more thing. Once you take out the generator, the portal to Canterlot High will be shut forever!”

 

“That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make”, I said through tears. God, I was going to miss those leggy broads. I made sure Applejack’s lasso hold on the tank door was holding.

 

“Is the knot tight enough?”, yelled Applejack.

 

“As EQG Rainbow Dash’s leggings”, I replied.

 

“Alright, here I go!"

 

Applejack tugged on the rope tied to the handle. She pulled as hard as she could, and in one fluid motion, she:

 

>Opened the door

 

>Got on the floor

 

>Everyone walk the dinosaur

 

(jk not really)

 

I spiderman-crawled into the inside of the tank to find Twilight passed out in a pool of her own fluids. I approached the magic wick that powered her nefarious machine. As I prepared to extinguish it, I realized the ramifications of what I was about to do. What about Shimmy? What about Sci-twi? I can’t just leave them in the dark! I loved them just as much as any mare! I pulled my hand back in disgust, feeling glad I didn’t go through with my plan.

 

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash came flying in out of nowhere. She positioned her plump ass in front of the only tether I had to some of the nicest girls I’ve ever met.

 

“Rainbow, no! Don’t do it!”, I screamed.

 

Rainbow grinned. “Sorry, Anon. I can’t have you intermingling with those >nohooves garbage.”

 

And with that, she blew out the candle.