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Serial Snuggler One-shot

By SNAFU-Non
Created: 2021-01-12 17:58:10
Expiry: Never

/rgre/

1.
>In the city of Canterlot there is an urban legend that is being told in hushed voices, be it in the castle or in the slums.
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>They say that there is a being, tall and gangly, yet sneakier than shadow and faster than lightning.
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>It sneaks on lone unsuspecting mares when they least expect it and drags them off in the shadows.
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>Caught mares are later found sleeping, their coats cleaned, their manes brushed, with only vague memories of being pet, snuggled and fed their favorite candy.
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>That is the legend of the...
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>The Serial Snuggler.
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>Be Anon.
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>Be ninja.
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>Be trained in guerrilla petting warfare.
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>Graduated at top of your class, have over three hundred satisfied mares.
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>You're Equestria's top snuggler.
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>And the only one.
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>Bullshit portal-based attacks are bullshit.
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>Despite all that you hit the ground running and soon enough you started improving your skills even further.
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>You displayed your power by having both princesses helpless and completely at your mercy for six straight hours.
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>Six hours of long, heartfelt bellyrubs, ear scritchies and mane brushing.
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>After that you were a wanted man. Well, wanted apelien.
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>Always on the run, chased to the end of Equus.
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>Ah, who are you kidding, you were parading under their literal noses for hours without them noticing anything.
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>Sometimes having ninja powers constantly on is super boring.
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>Your ninja powers don't work on magic, though. Entire castle was sure that magic alarm system was on the fritz.
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>So you covered your sneak suit in variety of anti-magic stones you attained from Queen of Pleasure in exchange for holding her hooves and giving them a little massage.
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>Never has once she mentioned kitchen, so you threw completely free ear-rub in to sweeten the deal.
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>Your trained ear catches a very quiet sigh.
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>In an instant you cross several city blocks and hang down the ledge to peek in the window the sigh came from.
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>Aha! Sad, lonely mare, hunched over some paperwork!
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>Perfect target!
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>You swing inside, and very soon she quietly purrs as palm of your hand traces concentric patterns on her belly, while you feed her her favorite chocolates.
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>Took you entire 0.014 seconds to find that out and 'buy' some from a shop! Getting sloppy!
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>And by the way, it's not a theft, you left the money on the counter!
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>Now that the mare finally succumbed to sweet grasp of sleep, you decide to finish off whatever pesky paperwork problem that made her frown.
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>You literally have seven thousand IQ.
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>At least, you think so.
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>Wouldn't be able to process your surroundings at superspeed otherwise!
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>You put your MIGHTY INTELLECT to find and fix whatever mistake was making the mare sad.
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>...hold on, it might take a while...
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>There it is, she forgot to carry two. The rest comes easy.
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>Now that the paper is done, time to turn your attention back to completely helpless mare!
41.
>Do you snuggle her or do you wiggle in her grasp?
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>Mares feel uncomfortable being little spoon for some unfathomable reason, so some concessions have to be made...
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>You tap your chin in thought.
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>Meanwhile, several rooftops over, a hanging bat mare unfurls her wings and starts whispering into dimly-pulsing crystal.
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>"Serial Snuggler took the bait, I repeat, Serial Snuggler took the bait!"
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>From her position she observes several shadows move in the dark. And then all Tartarus breaks loose!
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>Be Close Quarters, elite royal guard mare.
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>One second you were rappelling down to window, upset at lieutenant whisper-yelling at you to remember that you're dealing with a stallion.
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>And the next second you find yourself being tightly held as the little spoon of More Paperwork, your unwitting plant mare!
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"N-Nani?!"
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>You have no idea what you just said but it seems oddly fitting.
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>You also can't help it but feel incredibly relaxed, as if you spent entire day getting pampered.
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>But then the gravity of your situation hits you.
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>Oh no, you're going to be the laughing stock of entire platoon for this dyke shit. Damn you, Serial Snuggler, DAMN YOU!
57.
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>Be Wearing Bars, the lieutenant mare, large and in charge.
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>Though you don't feel like it now...
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>In but a second, you lost visual with your entire squad!
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>You call out for Radio Contact to request reinforcements but she doesn't respond.
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>You whip your head to her last known position and see her splayed on the roof, grinning madly with partially eaten mango in her weak grasp.
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"Darn it!"
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>You catch movement in the corner of your eye and jump back instinctively.
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>By Celestia, you've got your eyes on the sneaky Serial Snuggler! A feat that very few mares can boast about!
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"Halt, apelien! Surrender and you won't be hurt!"
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>Be Anon, approaching the lieutenant mare purposefully slow.
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>You raise your pointer finger and with unyielding slowness aim for her snoot.
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>Her eyes cross as she struggles to keep them on your approaching finger. But it is too late.
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"You are already pet."
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>*boop*
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>The sensation of two hundred lightning-fast pets catches up to her!
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>And pomf=3 she goes on menagerie of pillows you snuck in during previous moments.
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>Giving her withers a few scritchies, you leave the scene.
76.
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>Somewhere high above two pair of eyes armed with only one pair of binoculars fight to watch the whole scene unfold below.
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>There is a sigh.
79.
>"Perhaps We called dibs on him being our royal consort too early."
80.
>"I'm afraid we'll never have another petting session like that, sister..."