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Pony ATF

By Lost_in_translation
Created: 2021-11-15 02:51:55
Expiry: Never
oneshotroyal guard

  1. 1.
    >be Anon, a perfectly sane and well-adjusted individual and nobody can prove otherwise [spoiler]you made damn sure of that[/spoiler]
  2. 2.
    >getting transported to Equestria was a hoot and a half, you haven't seen this many indescribable colors and shapes since you took acid in college
  3. 3.
    >you did your best to check that you're not tripping balls, and you weren't
  4. 4.
     
  5. 5.
    >currently, you are building your first bunker here
  6. 6.
    >why, a lesser man would ask
  7. 7.
    >well, following the attack of two dozen weird wood wolves, an enormous hydra, and some doomsday cult weirdos, all within a span of two weeks, you decided that "Ponyville" was a crazy place and you should get the hell out of Dodge before something worse shows up
  8. 8.
    >…or before they come for your lead-spitting babies
  9. 9.
    >apparently they have soccer, or "hoofball" moms here too, just your fucking luck
  10. 10.
    >she made herself known after you blew a baby-sized hole in one of hydra's heads
  11. 11.
    >you had no intention of waiting for her to tattle on your perfectly-legal mini-arsenal, so, naturally, innawoods you ran
  12. 12.
     
  13. 13.
    >your little fortress is coming along fine, it's nigh-impossible to tell apart from the rest of the landscape, even from above
  14. 14.
    >hopefully this'll keep you safe from the monster or villain of the week smashing through the nearby pony settlement
  15. 15.
    >…and keep your snacks safe, those damn horses keep disappearing them despite your locked doors and shut windows
  16. 16.
    >…but mostly it's about the monsters
  17. 17.
    >sure, there are some weird things in this forest, but you're always packin' and can make your own homemade bullets, just like ma' used to make
  18. 18.
    >and thanks to dad teaching you chemistry, you know how to make the gunpowder as well, it's a shame that meth lab blew up in his face, he and mom were the only people who understood you
  19. 19.
    >your reverie is interrupted by the ground shaking and loud explosion coming from the outside
  20. 20.
    >party time
  21. 21.
     
  22. 22.
    >rushing outside you see shrapnel everywhere that looks a lot like gold
  23. 23.
    >following the trail to the epicenter you find a small crater where one of your landmines used to be
  24. 24.
    >lifting your eyes, you see a pony hanging off one of the trees in the distance, her white coat provides a stark contrast to the bark of the tree
  25. 25.
    >yep, looks like you got another one
  26. 26.
    >for some reason there has been a lot of those gold-clad ponies milling around your bunker
  27. 27.
    >fearing for your freedom, guns and snacks, you put some defenses in place
  28. 28.
    >so far none have made it through
  29. 29.
    >you return to your new home, leaving the guard to hang in there and meditate on the meaning of "KEEP OUT!" signs you posted around your little hidey hole
  30. 30.
    >her comrades will pick her up in a day or so, not like anything can even hurt those things, not seriously
  31. 31.
    >a sprain, nasty bruise, that sort of thing
  32. 32.
    >you swear, you once saw pony walk away from having an anvil dropped on her, shit's wild
  33. 33.
    >you checked the anvil, of course, and it was no plastic replica shit, no psyop, just a regular heavy-ass anvil and those crazy cunts just dropped it on someone
  34. 34.
    >it was just an accident, but still, you don't want to be anywhere near when they accidentally drop another, god knows with your luck you won't die right away
  35. 35.
     
  36. 36.
    >which brings you back to present
  37. 37.
    >and presently you're running a bit low on some chemicals, especially now that you have to replace a landmine
  38. 38.
    >you smile to yourself, because even though it's not a good thing, it gives you an excuse to visit that weird zebra that you share this forest with
  39. 39.
    >she stumbled upon you when you went out to get some water one day, nearly scaring the willies out of you
  40. 40.
    >later, though, she apologized and helped you with your blue balls
  41. 41.
    >it turns out the pretty flower you brushed against was called Poison Joke, though it's effect on people was no fucking joke
  42. 42.
    >she made you a little suspicious when she asked what were you doing innawoods, but then nodded sagely when you spoke of weekly monster attacks and falling anvils
  43. 43.
    >plus, if you take out the weird fauna, this is actually a pretty nice place, and take weird fauna out you do, something you let slip to your new friend
  44. 44.
    >that's when you two made an arrangement, where you barter herbs and whatnot for chemicals with the zeeb
  45. 45.
    >which works just fine — you get your explosives and gunpowder, she gets the monster parts and stuff from places too dangerous for the nofuns equine
  46. 46.
     
  47. 47.
    >be guardsmare #357
  48. 48.
    >just kidding, be Iron Blossom
  49. 49.
    >be hanging teats over head near your target's current residence
  50. 50.
    >how do you know it's target's residence?
  51. 51.
    >well, the thing that blasted you into the sky and reduced your gear to bit-sized pieces is a dead giveaway
  52. 52.
    >all you knew is that his name is Anon and he's got some dangerous stuff that princesses want to place under a lock and key so it won't hurt anypony
  53. 53.
    >in retrospect, you should've expected something like this, but then again, who in their right mind surrounds their house with bucking explosives?!
  54. 54.
    >Equestria's only hyo-mane, that's who
  55. 55.
    >you count your blessings there's only one of them around, you dare not think what havoc a whole gaggle of them could unleash
  56. 56.
    >if you didn't think this fruitcake is going to hurt somepony with his stuff, you do now
  57. 57.
    >that said, you are not a violent mare, you would very much prefer this went on in a civil manner
  58. 58.
    >you'd knock and politely ask to turn over the weapons, no muss, no fuss
  59. 59.
    >that is, if you had made it to the door in the first place
  60. 60.
    >…
  61. 61.
    >you hope your squad finds you soon
  62. 62.
    >the adrenaline from being blown sky-high, then falling to your death, and then ending up in a tangle of branches is receding
  63. 63.
    >hanging upside down without being able to move is getting old pretty fast
  64. 64.
     
  65. 65.
    >suddenly, you feel the branches that have you in a vice-like grip move
  66. 66.
    >oh yes please, Please, PLEASE for the love of Celestia snap and return this pony her freedom of movement!
  67. 67.
    >but, sadly, your prayers have been ignored, because now there's a bunch of squirrels sitting on you like some giant warm angry pillow
  68. 68.
    >…sometimes you hate-
  69. 69.
    >Luna's teats, no, you don't want nuts
  70. 70.
    >those squirrels seem to be used to guards stuck in trees here and are offering to share their latest bounty with you
  71. 71.
    >your attempts to tell them to instead help you untangle yourself from that tree only made them confused
  72. 72.
    >and while they look cute turning their little heads to the side all at once, you're no closer to getting out of your predicament
  73. 73.
    >finally, after two hours of trying to your hoof, you managed to snap a few smaller branches
  74. 74.
    >unfortunately, the weight redistribution have caused a chain reaction, culminating in you faceplanting into the ground
  75. 75.
    >…sometimes you hate your job, but at least now you're free

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